I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
