I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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