Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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