True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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