YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
