A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
