I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
