is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
