You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
how does that bad decision feel?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
