oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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