In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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