I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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