Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
