dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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