I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
