Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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