I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
