My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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