my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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