I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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