Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
