Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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