so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
