he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
