she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I have post one night stand depression
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