My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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