Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
