two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
