The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
