"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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