ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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