I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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