I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
