This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Houston, we have a blender
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
