Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
