I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
