I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
