if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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