fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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