You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
