He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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