The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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