why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
