I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
