i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
