The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
