Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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