No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
