Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
