I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
